Taking a moment in time to check in...Life has been crazy to say the very least. New loves and adventures, crazy kids and dogs....Death and happiness all rolled into one.
Lets start with me...I am dating...now I know that doesn't seem so strange as I am a single women, however I don't date...OK let me rephrase that...I do date but never go on more then say about 2 dates with the same guy. I avoid long term relationships and don't do casual ones. I have amazing friends so for the most part don't feel alone. I enjoyed being single tremendously. I am weird with men...almost afraid of them. No particular reason except a couple of bad relationships...I also don't want or didn't want my daughter to know I was dating. Matter of fact I just came to terms 100% with being single and spent the first Valentines day in perfect harmony with myself....strange I know.
God however had another plan....In walks a friend i have known 10years....He started asking me to date him in January...me telling him "No thank you I don't date"....We started dating in March...and are still dating...and surprise surprise I am totally falling for him and miss you and completely enjoy being with him. My daughter has also known him her entire life...and is aware we are dating...so strange and different for me. this man is my 100% exact opposite in almost every single way...yet for whatever reason we are clicking....OK God I am trying to follow your lead.
Now on to my greatest gift of all!!! My beautiful daughter. I love her so very much!!! Yet we are running into all kinds of obstacles...even before my new friend came into the picture...She is at a very awkward stage in her youth and full of hormones and confusion. She is having trouble socially with her friends and finding herself. She is uncomfortable in her own body and just doesn't seem happy. She also doesn't take responsibility for anything at all. I have spoiled her with love and caring and handling that now that she is older I have stunted her somewhat. I don't know how to help her. I really don't. I do talk to her but I also get mad. I forget to check myself before I speak...so lame. I want her to see what I see. I want her to love herself but have absolutely no idea how to help her...teach her that as I truly hate myself. I try to tell her I understand but I wish I could help her more with out getting frustrated. I get frustrated with myself or others then take it out on her....thank goodness for therapy!!!
The thing she does that bothers me the most...I don't even know how to explain it. She is so hysterically funny and very creative and just wonderful to be around....However that is only when its just us....When others are around she tends to show off more and say the weirdest things trying to be the center of attention it drives me nuts....she tries to be funny and is just annoying. She is hysterically funny when she doesn't try. If she would just relax she would be amazing!!!! she is amazing!!!
on top of all of this her Lelo (grandfather) passed away....he was my ex-father-n-law... He was almost 91 years old and lead an amazing life! He truly truly did...But she has been emotionally all over even worse then normal. Her fathers family is vary different from mine and they tend to exclude her...I had to fight to get her allowed to see Lelo in hospice because she wanted to say good boy...and its almost like I have to fight so she can feel her emotions. its just been so very strange. I am not a fan of her father and am having a hard time feeling compassionate towards him...When my own father died he would not take Isabella and watch her for me so I could go to the hospital and he told me "that's life suck it up" he was so cold and didn't go to the service with me...I know more then most, two wrongs do not make a right but I don't want to hear him or have him want me to hold him and tell him it will be alright. I just don't. Know on the other hand my heart does go out to him and the rest of the family, especially my ex-mother-n-law....It just breaks with sorrow for her. I am trying to call her regularly and check in. I don't know...confusion....
As I write all this out it just came to me...LOL I guess I need to pray more and pray specifically about her...maybe put it in my God box. What a novel idea.
On to a totally irrelevant matter...I finally took the plunge and purchased a new computer....LOL it only took 8 months...I hate spending that kind of money...
I guess thats it...
