Life gets to hard for me for no reason. My brain gets cloudy and all I want to do is escape in a book or sleep. I cant seem to get enough sleep…Depression yes I know…its always depression, why…why cant it just be my brain shutting down to process…not that…that’s any better. I feel like I am in a fog, tons of things need to be done I start them all but can’t focus enough to get them done. Grocery store, refrigerators…cooking eating…food related is killing me right now. I cant get away and I cant be in it to think.
This weight…I hate it…it controls me and every aspect of me…My moods, my happiness, my hatred…my self esteem and self doubt…all depends on my weight… I look in the mirror and see nothing…worth anything…I Know 100% this is not true I know I am loveable and caring. But I cant get out of my head how gross I am and how much of as loser I am. These feelings make be turn ugly, hateful and mean. I want out of my marriage and away from my friends.
Control or loss of control, what is it…I feel, its blind the binges…at times…or life is crazy out of control and unbearable…so I reach for the food…as if I could control it…I go and eat…then go and eat…it appears to be control I am looking for…and it gets out of hand. Or does it. Do I cause it. Well yes I cause it I chose to say “F” it and grab the crap. I get tired of constantly thinking about when, where and why I eat. It consumes every waking minute of my day…my life.
I cant even get through a store these days to buy groceries. My exhaustion feeds into the crazy that is in my head, making me incapable of thinking clearly. I have eaten healthy. I know how to eat healthy. And yet I have forgotten. Making my meals and snacks has become a tremendous burden for me. It leaves me open to binging, I specifically set myself up for failure. Of course I don’t know this while I am completely in that frame of mind. Its after when I “wake” up from a binge that I realize it….and it leads me right back to…misery and depression
I just want to scream out...FUCK FUCK FUCK...I lose 100 fucking pounds in a year...and gain it back...I really hate me...
