I want to get in the habit of blogging. I want this to be a way for me to disappear...be open and honest with myself...not hide who I really am. I am also trying to find a way to help fight my insomnia. I was taking a college class and would stay up to do my homework when I could not sleep. I had to put that on hold this semester...So I started the blog to help fill that void or a void in general...I think about my blog but then get too tired to boot up the computer. I end up starting at wall instead. I guess at least I am trying to help myself??? Sometimes I just do not know. Some times my lameness annoys even me. :o) I crack myself up a lot...at least I have laughter and let me tell you how great laughter is. It has gotten me through the darkest of times. Today I am tired and trying to love my daughter who is so wonderful but I just can not seem to let go of my anger and resentments...They seem to be carrying over and I am on a short fuse and annoy very easily with everyone. This is about the time when I start to isolate because I seem to have forgotten how to interact with other humans...I'm, good with my dog but that's about all. I called the hospital and my friend is in stable condition in the ICU...I was told this is a good thing by friends. I emailed her husband and he has not responded yet. I don't want to be too selfish and realize he is juggling a lot including their 4 girls. But I am now starting to have anxiety. I know in my heart she is fine but my head is telling me otherwise and if I could cry I am pretty sure I would be doing that right about now. I want peace, and serenity. I want to find contentment in the life I have. It really is a beautiful life I just need to be in it and accept it. I guess that is enough rambling for one night. Maybe just maybe I shall log on tomorrow….
My list of gratitude: God my daughter, Shaloe, Tina and Amanda, Mary and Marcia, Keri and soft blankets and a big bed
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Yep see I started the blog and promptly forgot about…well not really more like I was to tired to boot up my computer when I get home at night and the last thing I wanted to do was feel my emotions…LAME? Well yes because you see I am a compulsive overeater and what happens when you stuff your emotions…you just add a touch more of food to every meal or stay up until midnight so you have a perfect excuse for another snack…who cares if your alarm goes off at 4:30 am because food over rules sleep. I have discovered you can over eat on foods other then ice cream and cake….you can over eat eggs and fruit and cheese and hummus and avocados…get the point. It is simply lame. I lost 100 lbs over two years ago…I really never want to be back where I was, so why would I allow the food back in…hmmmmm…not sure about that. Oh that’s right I am crazy when it comes to that part of my life…All together now “POWERLESS”
Moving on to why I decided I needed to write in my blog today…I have had an emotional week and this morning topped it off I logged on to facebook to discover my bested friend who is my kindred spirit is scheduled for surgery on 9/29/09. She has fluid on her brain and they have to drain it. I guess what set me off is she said she will be in the ICU the first night then the hospital for like 3 days…Why ICU???? That just seems to serious for me. I have no idea and don’t want to bother her with a phone call. She is a super busy mother of 4 beautiful girls. So I did text her. All I want to do is cry. I need her, love her and want her around for years and years. We have always joked that once the kids grew up we would grow old together and I really really want that. We also say we will be to old ladies living together and rocking in chair on the porch…You see our lives are so busy and chaotic that we always say we have later….Now keep in mind she is married but still…LOL. I will be praying for her and I know its selfish that my first thought is OMGOSH what on earth will I do if something happens to her because I need her so much. The funny thing is we only see each other once a year because we have never lived close to each other but we keep in touch sporadically through out the year. We are close but in a different way. When I am with her I am at peace I never feel like I have to fill the silence with my chatter and have to be anything then what I am. I am not a freak about schedule and control and am able to let go….I even relax in my parenting some. She never judges me and loves me unconditionally how blessed am I to have such a person in my life? She has taught me so much.
Moving on to why I decided I needed to write in my blog today…I have had an emotional week and this morning topped it off I logged on to facebook to discover my bested friend who is my kindred spirit is scheduled for surgery on 9/29/09. She has fluid on her brain and they have to drain it. I guess what set me off is she said she will be in the ICU the first night then the hospital for like 3 days…Why ICU???? That just seems to serious for me. I have no idea and don’t want to bother her with a phone call. She is a super busy mother of 4 beautiful girls. So I did text her. All I want to do is cry. I need her, love her and want her around for years and years. We have always joked that once the kids grew up we would grow old together and I really really want that. We also say we will be to old ladies living together and rocking in chair on the porch…You see our lives are so busy and chaotic that we always say we have later….Now keep in mind she is married but still…LOL. I will be praying for her and I know its selfish that my first thought is OMGOSH what on earth will I do if something happens to her because I need her so much. The funny thing is we only see each other once a year because we have never lived close to each other but we keep in touch sporadically through out the year. We are close but in a different way. When I am with her I am at peace I never feel like I have to fill the silence with my chatter and have to be anything then what I am. I am not a freak about schedule and control and am able to let go….I even relax in my parenting some. She never judges me and loves me unconditionally how blessed am I to have such a person in my life? She has taught me so much.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)