I miss my mom

 Today is the one year anniversary of my moms passing…

It was a day…I don't even know how I feel exactly. I woke a little dazed. I put Peter, Paul and Mary on my Spotify, slapped on my headphones and logged into work. I cried a little, ok a lot. I took a moment to reach out to my moms best friends and reminded my brother I loved him. 

About 9 am I realized, I was not going to be able to work a full day.  I texted my therapist to tell her my emotions were confused and that I wanted to crawl into bed and sleep forever. She said this was all a normal reaction, as I am grieving and to just ride the wave of emotions, while reminding myself all the amazing things life has to offer me. Remembering the life I shared with my mother.

She was something else, my mom. She was strong, weak and everything in-between. She loved her kids and would do everything she could for them, she just forgot to do the same for herself. She knew a little of everything. I miss being able to call or walk across the street just to ask a silly question. She always had the answers. 

We had a good relationship for the majority of my life. It had been a bit rocky the last handful of years, I was working on repairing it. I would get so frustrated and we bickered often. Somewhere along the way we switched places. I felt like the mother and she was the child. We really struggled with this new dynamic so I tried to adjust.  

I don't know if she knew how much I really did love her and how much I needed her in my life…every single day. 

Things happen and my first response is…oh I gotta tell mom. I do not know if this feeling will ever go away. Or at least subside. 

I also took a moment to help a friend prep for a job interview today. It was a perfect distraction to my afternoon. Service to others always removes me from my own misery. 

Later in the evening I walked next door to say good bye my Hal. He is heading out of town for 3 weeks. I wanted to give him a hug and wish him safe travels. On the way back to my house a car pulled up and asked me about Fran. They asked if she was still living across the street. I slowly responded that she had passed away last year. They told me they were just checking on her and that their boyfriend use to rent a room….

Coincidence that on my moms 1 year anniversary of her death some random stranger would come by looking for her?!? Or is it mom just checking in. 

Mom wherever you are, know that I miss you so fucking much it hurts and some days it takes my breath away. 

Can I be Done Yet?!?

 I want to be done. I feel lost…sad.  Sadness so deep in my bones …

 I feel ridiculous, this stupid fucking cycle…never fucking ending! I can not handle daily life…anxiety, depression, exhaustion all interfere in even the littlest of action.  How do I reach out for help without exhausting those around me…Same shit, different day. 

I’m broken. I pray most nights that I don't wake up. I just want to be done I didn’t know who else to tell I didn’t know who else to talk to. 

This blog was the only place where I can scream… HELP. MAKE IT STOP….

How is this…all that life is…Is this really what God intended?!? Who fucking knows..For sure not me.

I decided to ramble on my blog, voice it out, experience it, ride the emotions with out action…if I actually took action…I would not wake

Goals...Perspective...ME

I started painting about 2 or so years ago, I am not the greatest artist but I enjoy it.  It ceases the constant chatter in my head and I get lost when mixing the colors.  The only other time in my life the chatter ceases, is when I read…Life long bookworm that’s me... I digress… 
 

So what I do is look at pictures and kinda know who the picture needs to be painted for.  I paint small… its my favorite, Altoid boxes, little canvases…small.  Its kinda like they speak to me.  LOL  
 

Anyway…I had a friend, who one day said to me, “I cant wait to see which picture resonates with you, which one you feel speaks to you.” That was a long while ago.  I have been looking, thought I had one (NEVER got around to painting it), and then a couple of weeks ago saw this one: 

 

 

 

Funny how thoughts come about, I saw this picture and think “oh this is me/mine” then forward to the friend who says “Wow, little red riding hood, a victim of deception” She is 100% correct, however that is so not how I saw it at all….
 

I know it's red riding hood but that's not how I my soul see it...its like my brain say red riding hood but my heart says....so much darkness… bring love and light...and even when u come up against total darkness you keep moving in love. I'm sad at times but not hateful and bitter...I love people and am able to love unconditionally and without judgment…I am able to love everyone else but myself.  
 

In the picture the darkness surrounds the girl in red. I feel that it represents life, and the wolf is society/people/souls;  not that it is always horrible but that when it is, the girl in red is there accepting you, reaching out and bringing you happiness (bright color) and love. UNCONDITIONALLY.  The snow is the purity...simplicity of it all.  Plus you know…it’s a dog thing the wolf and all...I currently have 5 dogs
 

This year my goal was to stop shopping, eat less, no binging, lose weight, exercise more, be happy, don’t mope….blah blah blah…ect…  Then it came to me…It was one of those moments that just lights up in your head all of a sudden… LOVE YOU!!!!    JUST LOVE YOU!!!!
 

I realized after seeing this picture my goal this year is to start loving myself like I love everyone else.  Once I love me…all the other “GOALS” I set for myself will just fall into place.  Way easier said then done but totally doable one small step, day, second at a time. 
 

So here I am realizing I want to write and the best way to do that, is this here blog.  So again I am here, posting and sharing.  I thought OMGOSH I need to outline and figure out what direction I want to take with this blog…Will it be about my dieting, my happiness, my miseries…WHAT?  UGH there goes that head of mine… chatter chatter chatter…. Another friend says…”ummm just write how you are feeling.”
 

Simple, keep it simple…insert stupid but then back track delete…because this is the year I love me, not call me names J   And yes I will be copying the above photo and painting it for myself…..SOON

 

 

 

 

FUCK...again...WTF

Life gets to hard for me for no reason.  My brain gets cloudy and all I want to do is escape in a book or sleep.  I cant seem to get enough sleep…Depression yes I know…its always depression, why…why cant it just be my brain shutting down to process…not that…that’s any better.  I feel like I am in a fog, tons of things need to be done I start them all but can’t focus enough to get them done.  Grocery store, refrigerators…cooking eating…food related is killing me right now. I cant get away and I cant be in it to think.

 

This weight…I hate it…it controls me and every aspect of me…My moods, my happiness, my hatred…my self esteem and self doubt…all depends on my weight… I look in the mirror and see nothing…worth anything…I Know 100% this is not true I know I am loveable and caring.  But I cant get out of my head how gross I am and how much of as loser I am.  These feelings make be turn ugly, hateful and mean.  I want out of my marriage and away from my friends.

 

Control or loss of control, what is it…I feel, its blind the binges…at times…or life is crazy out of control and unbearable…so I reach for the food…as if I could control it…I go and eat…then go and eat…it appears to be control I am looking for…and it gets out of hand.  Or does it.  Do I cause it. Well yes I cause it I chose to say “F” it and grab the crap.   I get tired of constantly thinking about when, where and why I eat. It consumes every waking minute of my day…my life. 

 

I cant even get through a store these days to buy groceries. My exhaustion feeds into the crazy that is in my head, making me incapable of thinking clearly.  I have eaten healthy. I know how to eat healthy. And yet I have forgotten.  Making my meals and snacks has become a tremendous burden for me.  It leaves me open to binging, I specifically set myself up for failure.  Of course I don’t know this while I am completely in that frame of mind.  Its after when I “wake” up from a binge that I realize it….and it leads me right back to…misery and depression

 

I just want to scream out...FUCK FUCK FUCK...I lose 100 fucking pounds in a year...and gain it back...I really hate me...

#3 wow...

Here it is another Sunday. Wow what a week. I am not doing well in my new job. Its one thing right after another. I'm just not able to get things out fast enough. This is caused a huge hit to my self esteem...however I am learning its not just me...it really is the job. I had a review on Friday and was told I needed to pull my caseload together in the next 30 days or they would reduce my pay...huh is that even possible in state service...talk about a tailspin...I spent a moment or 3 in the restroom to have a good cry.  This is birthday month...the greatest day of the year is this month....my Birthday! Wahoo and I will be 40. Planing a big party and everything...and yet at 40..i suck at my job. I have never ever sucked at my job let alone ever gotten a bad review. Got home and had a very supportive husband...then went out to the property and did mass amounts of yard work in prep for my 40th birthday HoeDown...I have stress about going to work but was reminded this weekend by an amazing friend to keep things in perspective...I have a job a decent paying one with benefits. I have a caring family and friends. I have an interview with another state agency in a week...this job was  a reminder what I need to not do. And how to take care of me. Sucks but that's how it is.  Ok that's all folks....enjoy your week.

ok...week #2...

OK trying this again to see if it helps. This was the worst week ever...one thing right after another...not to mention I'm trying yet again to not binge eat...compulsively eat...be gluten free and sugar free...be happy and exercise....

All I can say is I have been one super cranky chicka. I have not binged..nor added gluten...and have done good with the sugar...still overeating a bit at meals... but its quite a bit better then last week...so baby steps. Which I think suck so bad. As I'm the type of person who wants everything NOW.

Now just isn't happening and since I look in the mirror and hate me...and wonder WTF...how on earth did I gain all the weight back...I wanna just sit in a corner...instead I keep trying...trying to laugh when I want to cry...trying to stay moving when I want to sit...trying to eat healthy when I'm sure ice cream is a cure all...trying to be perfect...

I have no idea what direction I wanna take my blog right now...for now I will just try to write something once a week.

Happy thoughts: I have 3 dogs and 4 chickens and am pretty sure I need a miniature donkey....

Today I had one of my ladies (chicken) grab food out of my fingers. And my dogs each came in while I was reading...for their very own snuggle time! Perfect!

Enjoy you week and remember to laugh...lots...

some messed up emotions

Man is life ever crazy...I totally forgot sorta about my blog. Life has been a spiral downward for so long. I have gained back most of the weight I lost. Can't stop eating nor can I get by butt to OA meetings. Marriage is so hard. I have had 2 new jobs...both of which I totally suck at which totally messes with my head. Depression has been my BFF....and yet I keep putting one step in front of the other...and keep trying. And keep smiling and loving. One day it will be Ok...I am always Ok