Time...or not...

I just thought I would take time to add a little note to my blog...Mostly for me because I am feeling so very hopeless...Its very frustrating because I have wonderful gifts and life is not the worse it could be yet I am still struggling with happiness. I have a wonderful boyfriend who truly loves me...yet I am crazy and have trouble believing it...and am trying to find ways to sabotage it. I don't even know why. Its just the space I am in right now. I am completely back in my disease...fully and feel trapped with no way out. I just have to get my rear to a meeting...yet it seems so far and so very unreachable. Its as if I am drowning...looking up and can see the sky from under water yet can not seem to get my head above it. I can feel the anger and frustration and sadness building inside of my chest...I want to cry but I cant I have been able to really cry for years. All I can do is pray to God and beg for him to help me...Funny thing is I know I don't really have to beg...just ask but right not I am not sure I am worthy of anything..I feel so worthless and awful and think sometimes things would be better off if I just slept for awhile. I know these feelings will pass and I know they will pass faster if I just get to a meeting. I will pray again and again again...I will pray for the willingness to be willing and go from there. Sucks to be back at Step 1...or not even quite Step 1...but maybe just maybe its exactly where I need to be. As I sit here ready for bed and trying to wrap things up so I can go there...I notice the time...but once again sitting in my jammies with a tummy ache I know I wont go. I have a TUMMY ache this is a truly wanderful moment becuase I realize I have a tummy ache and this means my body is talking to me...Therefore God is and I need to listen its time...time to make adjustments and time to make a change and time to relocate that damn program I seemed to have lost.