Deep Breathe

Today is one of those days that started out with drama...I think it may end well but in the meantime I am tired and confused. I have so much to do yet am just sitting here staring at the computer screen. So I figured I might as well write in my blog. I did take 3 quizzes for my online history class. I only missed 2 questions out of all 3 quizzes and I got 10 out of 10 on my thesis and discussion questions. This is so good...but my crazy head wonders if she (the teacher) was just giving us all a break and things will just get harder and harder....I have to be at my daughters school at 2:13. The teacher wants to see my daughter because she has missed a week of school due to sickness. I am actually not ok with this as my daughter has after school commitments. I told the teacher this and offered to go in my daughters place and she told me no that she had to see Isabella. This really bothers me even when I told the teacher no she still insisted. I have decided since she gives my daughter so much anxiety I do not want her alone with her after school. The teacher does not know I am showing up. But I told my daughter I was. At the end of the day this is my kid and I need to protect her in anyway needed. She is a good kid and I know will be a bit behind due to being out for illness but other then that she will be fine. I feel like the teacher is picking on her and it really upsets me. The teacher almost had me in tears this morning. A friend said I really need to take lessons in standing up for myself. She said in the years she has known me I tend to back down....Life is so strange....

Also I have come to the realization that I will be alone on valentines...and its because of me....because I would at the end of the day prefer it. who knew....I guess God knew. I could make arrangements with a couple of men but its so much work. I guess at the end of it all I am not willing to be bothered. How funny is that. I always thought I was alone because I was ugly and fat. Nope its because I am weird and say no to everyone. LOL...Life is so strange....

Deep Breathe...tomorrow is another day and I am fine, my daughter is beautiful and God loves us!

one last thing..

Almost set my house on fire today....man am I brain dead these days....LOL...although I guess its not really funny but if I don't laugh I am not sure what will happen....

anyway...I put my tortillas on the burner to cook and walked away...yeah they went up in flames...Luckily I caught it just in time to toss them in a sink of water...I definitely don't panic during emergency just after.... pretty impressive flames....UGH

is it Friday yet??????????

Me and my emotions...LOL

I am home today with a sick child. She has the bad cold I had with a very bad ear ache and some vomiting. We spent 2.5 hrs in urgent care last night and were up most up the night becasue her ear was hurting so bad. ahhhh the perks of paretning. So my HP totally did for me what I could not do for myself. I am taking a history class and had my first writing assignement. It truly was crap...but I had been sick and needed to get somehting posted. the teacher was great and suggested I re do a coupel of parts so I could get a better grade. She even suggested I do a power point presentation instead. I have never ever done one of those....I really am scared of htings I dont know....anyway...I had emailed her back and told her I would do it when I got home. Well at lunch I had an overwelming desire to hurry up and do it and get iot posted. So I did. Still nto the best but I am hoping better then the paper. I had no idea I would not have a chance to turn o nthe computer last night when I got home from work. My daughter called my crying ebcaseu her ear was hurting so bad, I made a doctors appt for 4:40. I left owrk at 3 came home and got her and headed to Escondido. Traffic was so bad it took an hour to get there I had to cancel her appt and we ended up in urgent care.... then had to get her presecription and get somethign to eat....we didnt get home until 8:30... she then proceeded to wake up every couple of hours it was a along ngiht but she jsut wanted to be help and lvoed so not so bad.

So I am home today...loving her and holding her when she is awake. However I have a lot of emotions today....guilt for staying home from work and anger because I took a couple of mental days when my depression was bad and now I am short on sick time and will have to use vacation time. Scared because I am hoping I am not falling back into my patterns from 3 years ago....the pattern of giving up on life and calling in all of the time because of the depression. I know today I am home because of my daughter and because she needs to be nurtured and loved right now and as her mother that is my job. So I know it is a good thing for me to stay home today. Frustrated because I am just getting over my cold and had been working 6 hr days. Oh and I am defensive because I have a Friend at work who will comment when I get back to work and I am waiting for my boss to say something as my work really is suffering from all my mental confusion.

So that is where I am. Hopefully being honest and writing it all down will help me...only time will tell and God knows.

Let me just add one last thinig....My daugther has jsut turned 11....this is the first time she has been very vocal about being sick...she is crabby and a bit witchy and it makes me laugh....she gets so mad at me for laughing. I think I laugh becuase I know she is growing up and it hurts my heart becuase my baby...isnt my baby anymore. I love being her mom even when its so hard sometimes to be a single working mom at the end of it all she is AMAZING!