Today I am sick with a cold. All I can do is lay around. I really dont have time for a cold. I have to get dressed soon. I have to pick up Girl Scout cookies and sort them. I am once again the cookie mom! But this year will be a touch different as I have help!!! A co cookie mom named Kristen. Wahoo!!! its still tiring but at least I have help. I have had so much going on I don't even no where to start. My sponsor can not help me right now and I had to find a new one. Right when I have been struggling left and right. Its not easy for me to find a new sponsor even if it is temporary. I am shy I don't do well asking for help. But God had my back and its all taken care of. I have a new sponsor to help me work the 12 steps again. She wants me to give her my food history...Ouch no idea where to start. I am sure I will blog about it later. That's all for now...
Oh I started my new History class....its gonna be hard. I wish I was smarter.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Last old date post....
I know strange that I am writing past date stuff and playing catch up today of all days but I feel I have to and since its my blog and no one is reading it...I can do what ever I want....I guess... that's the idea right. OK last old writings...
12/25/10: Today I am quiet and content. I have been fighting with everyone this week and received a pleasant surprise...my brother came over and we all opened presents together even though he is still not talking to me. I received many more gifts then I thought I would. I thought I would be getting oh like NOTHING. So that was a nice and then I went to the movies with my daughter just her...no one else and that was WONDERFUL!!!! We then came home and watched the Tinker Bell movie together. Now we are going to snuggle and read together. This is how Christmas should be. Quiet and Loving. NO DRAMA!
***NOTE***We saw Disney's new Princess and the Frog. We LOVED it. Its my new favorite. Very well done great story.
12/25/10: Today I am quiet and content. I have been fighting with everyone this week and received a pleasant surprise...my brother came over and we all opened presents together even though he is still not talking to me. I received many more gifts then I thought I would. I thought I would be getting oh like NOTHING. So that was a nice and then I went to the movies with my daughter just her...no one else and that was WONDERFUL!!!! We then came home and watched the Tinker Bell movie together. Now we are going to snuggle and read together. This is how Christmas should be. Quiet and Loving. NO DRAMA!
***NOTE***We saw Disney's new Princess and the Frog. We LOVED it. Its my new favorite. Very well done great story.
more old writings...
Moving on...
This was written to my sponsor on 12/23/09: I am OK...its such a crazy busy time of year not just at home but at work as well. On top of that my best friend is having complications form her surgery and is back in ICU...she will be there through Christmas. She is in Texas and it makes it hard. I have been crying since last night. Which in a way is good as I rarely cry...I have not turned to food...and its all good. She is the most beautiful loving soul and she keeps reminding me that God is in control.
I also feel relieved that I do not have to worry about the things I am putting in my mouth for the holidays. Everyone is complaining about weight gain and how they can not stop and how the holidays always do this and how Jan 1 they are going on a diet...I am very grateful I do not even have to play that game. I am not tempted at all to eat any of the crap going around. At all. Its amazing to me. I smile inward every time I hear someone complain, as they stuff a cookie in their mouth. I have treated myself to hot coco and egg nog which I found sweetened with honey...but even that I am not obsessing or over drinking. I found a wonderful spice coffee with cognac recipe I will have Christmas morning and have even figured out how to eliminate the brown sugar the recipe calls for.
This year my boss did not buy me a box of See's candy like she has the last 3 years. She got everyone else candy and me a beautiful candle. I feel so blessed. It reminds me why I am in OA. I am grateful for that. Now if I could stop adding food to my plate I will be perfect...well not perfect...but close. Oh the one thing I am eating a lot of because it's that time of year...Tamales. Goodness they are my very favorite. And my friends make them and I freeze them and eat on them. But I think its OK. I may have them for breakfast., lunch and dinner but then i go weeks without eating them. I usually add fruit when eating them. They are my treat and I know whats in them because my friends make them. I do have a sweet tamale but its pineapple and pineapple juice so not so bad. It's my treat. Its so funny to me how fruit can taste like candy.
12/24/09: I am only working half day and have a ton to do before I leave as I will be out most of next. I can not wait as we are doing NOTHING. I figured a couple of days of jammies and movies would be welcomed for both my daughter and I. Plus we will be cleaning house in preparation for the New Year.
***update 1/30/10: Jenn is home and finally recovering...its a slow process. The spiced coffe recipe was gross and I finally lost it and binged on coco powder of all stupid things
This was written to my sponsor on 12/23/09: I am OK...its such a crazy busy time of year not just at home but at work as well. On top of that my best friend is having complications form her surgery and is back in ICU...she will be there through Christmas. She is in Texas and it makes it hard. I have been crying since last night. Which in a way is good as I rarely cry...I have not turned to food...and its all good. She is the most beautiful loving soul and she keeps reminding me that God is in control.
I also feel relieved that I do not have to worry about the things I am putting in my mouth for the holidays. Everyone is complaining about weight gain and how they can not stop and how the holidays always do this and how Jan 1 they are going on a diet...I am very grateful I do not even have to play that game. I am not tempted at all to eat any of the crap going around. At all. Its amazing to me. I smile inward every time I hear someone complain, as they stuff a cookie in their mouth. I have treated myself to hot coco and egg nog which I found sweetened with honey...but even that I am not obsessing or over drinking. I found a wonderful spice coffee with cognac recipe I will have Christmas morning and have even figured out how to eliminate the brown sugar the recipe calls for.
This year my boss did not buy me a box of See's candy like she has the last 3 years. She got everyone else candy and me a beautiful candle. I feel so blessed. It reminds me why I am in OA. I am grateful for that. Now if I could stop adding food to my plate I will be perfect...well not perfect...but close. Oh the one thing I am eating a lot of because it's that time of year...Tamales. Goodness they are my very favorite. And my friends make them and I freeze them and eat on them. But I think its OK. I may have them for breakfast., lunch and dinner but then i go weeks without eating them. I usually add fruit when eating them. They are my treat and I know whats in them because my friends make them. I do have a sweet tamale but its pineapple and pineapple juice so not so bad. It's my treat. Its so funny to me how fruit can taste like candy.
12/24/09: I am only working half day and have a ton to do before I leave as I will be out most of next. I can not wait as we are doing NOTHING. I figured a couple of days of jammies and movies would be welcomed for both my daughter and I. Plus we will be cleaning house in preparation for the New Year.
***update 1/30/10: Jenn is home and finally recovering...its a slow process. The spiced coffe recipe was gross and I finally lost it and binged on coco powder of all stupid things
Finally???
So I wrote and saved but never posted it to my blog...I keep putting it off...Well here it is:
From 12/17/09: Today I am agitated and upset I look around me and see selfish materialism. I have a mix of loving and hating Christmas...I love the lights, the shiny and the spirit of Christmas...I hate the stress of making sure everyone gets a gift and its the right one and did I get my daughter enough...I love presents but now a days I don't want any...people keep track of what you get them and compare it to what they got you. I can't handle it. I have a ten year old and I don't know where to start in changing things. My first instinct is to cancel Christmas...no more gift exchanges at all. Lets just have a lovely tree find someone in need and help and get presents year around instead. Can I please do that??? I am a selfish person by nature but strive so hard not to be. I am also a very caring loving person and these days I hate being mean. So I got into a fight with my brother on 12/1/09...to date we have not spoken...I know its only been a couple of weeks but this is a long time. I ran into him and he didn't even acknowledge my existence...this really hurts. So this morning I text him With "I miss you and love you" no response. I know I know I should let him work it out but I just don't understand how you can write someone off like that. My heart aches at all the meaness going on around me. I am definitely not innocent either. I get caught up in the gossip and cattiness I just always regret it later.
I am scared of life and everything in it I am so unsure of who I am and where I am going. The anger, disgust and resentments I carry are mostly for myself. I hate that I feel helpless and jealous and hurt. My chest aches. I have a beautiful life and it angers me that I still am depressed. I know...its genetic...blah blah blah. Still its frustrating.
From 12/17/09: Today I am agitated and upset I look around me and see selfish materialism. I have a mix of loving and hating Christmas...I love the lights, the shiny and the spirit of Christmas...I hate the stress of making sure everyone gets a gift and its the right one and did I get my daughter enough...I love presents but now a days I don't want any...people keep track of what you get them and compare it to what they got you. I can't handle it. I have a ten year old and I don't know where to start in changing things. My first instinct is to cancel Christmas...no more gift exchanges at all. Lets just have a lovely tree find someone in need and help and get presents year around instead. Can I please do that??? I am a selfish person by nature but strive so hard not to be. I am also a very caring loving person and these days I hate being mean. So I got into a fight with my brother on 12/1/09...to date we have not spoken...I know its only been a couple of weeks but this is a long time. I ran into him and he didn't even acknowledge my existence...this really hurts. So this morning I text him With "I miss you and love you" no response. I know I know I should let him work it out but I just don't understand how you can write someone off like that. My heart aches at all the meaness going on around me. I am definitely not innocent either. I get caught up in the gossip and cattiness I just always regret it later.
I am scared of life and everything in it I am so unsure of who I am and where I am going. The anger, disgust and resentments I carry are mostly for myself. I hate that I feel helpless and jealous and hurt. My chest aches. I have a beautiful life and it angers me that I still am depressed. I know...its genetic...blah blah blah. Still its frustrating.
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