Finally???

So I wrote and saved but never posted it to my blog...I keep putting it off...Well here it is:

From 12/17/09: Today I am agitated and upset I look around me and see selfish materialism. I have a mix of loving and hating Christmas...I love the lights, the shiny and the spirit of Christmas...I hate the stress of making sure everyone gets a gift and its the right one and did I get my daughter enough...I love presents but now a days I don't want any...people keep track of what you get them and compare it to what they got you. I can't handle it. I have a ten year old and I don't know where to start in changing things. My first instinct is to cancel Christmas...no more gift exchanges at all. Lets just have a lovely tree find someone in need and help and get presents year around instead. Can I please do that??? I am a selfish person by nature but strive so hard not to be. I am also a very caring loving person and these days I hate being mean. So I got into a fight with my brother on 12/1/09...to date we have not spoken...I know its only been a couple of weeks but this is a long time. I ran into him and he didn't even acknowledge my existence...this really hurts. So this morning I text him With "I miss you and love you" no response. I know I know I should let him work it out but I just don't understand how you can write someone off like that. My heart aches at all the meaness going on around me. I am definitely not innocent either. I get caught up in the gossip and cattiness I just always regret it later.

I am scared of life and everything in it I am so unsure of who I am and where I am going. The anger, disgust and resentments I carry are mostly for myself. I hate that I feel helpless and jealous and hurt. My chest aches. I have a beautiful life and it angers me that I still am depressed. I know...its genetic...blah blah blah. Still its frustrating.