I miss my mom

 Today is the one year anniversary of my moms passing…

It was a day…I don't even know how I feel exactly. I woke a little dazed. I put Peter, Paul and Mary on my Spotify, slapped on my headphones and logged into work. I cried a little, ok a lot. I took a moment to reach out to my moms best friends and reminded my brother I loved him. 

About 9 am I realized, I was not going to be able to work a full day.  I texted my therapist to tell her my emotions were confused and that I wanted to crawl into bed and sleep forever. She said this was all a normal reaction, as I am grieving and to just ride the wave of emotions, while reminding myself all the amazing things life has to offer me. Remembering the life I shared with my mother.

She was something else, my mom. She was strong, weak and everything in-between. She loved her kids and would do everything she could for them, she just forgot to do the same for herself. She knew a little of everything. I miss being able to call or walk across the street just to ask a silly question. She always had the answers. 

We had a good relationship for the majority of my life. It had been a bit rocky the last handful of years, I was working on repairing it. I would get so frustrated and we bickered often. Somewhere along the way we switched places. I felt like the mother and she was the child. We really struggled with this new dynamic so I tried to adjust.  

I don't know if she knew how much I really did love her and how much I needed her in my life…every single day. 

Things happen and my first response is…oh I gotta tell mom. I do not know if this feeling will ever go away. Or at least subside. 

I also took a moment to help a friend prep for a job interview today. It was a perfect distraction to my afternoon. Service to others always removes me from my own misery. 

Later in the evening I walked next door to say good bye my Hal. He is heading out of town for 3 weeks. I wanted to give him a hug and wish him safe travels. On the way back to my house a car pulled up and asked me about Fran. They asked if she was still living across the street. I slowly responded that she had passed away last year. They told me they were just checking on her and that their boyfriend use to rent a room….

Coincidence that on my moms 1 year anniversary of her death some random stranger would come by looking for her?!? Or is it mom just checking in. 

Mom wherever you are, know that I miss you so fucking much it hurts and some days it takes my breath away.